What is the Last Page in this Chapter of Your Story?
A Question That Led to Months of Angst or a Letter of Appreciation to Dave Gould
It all started at a coffee shop in Iowa City in December….
“I want you to email me an answer to this question.
We are going to sit here one year from now and one of two things is going to happen. Either we’re going to sit here and you’re going to tell me everything that happened and I am going to say, ‘Wow, man… What an amazing life,’ or you are going to come back with an answer to this question.”
When my friend John Irving writes a book, he begins with the end in mind. He knows the last page of the story before he starts the book.
“The question I have for you is, ‘What is the last page of this chapter of your story?
What is it all for?’” asked Dave Gould.
Damn.
Shit… I thought.
I have no idea.
What am I doing?
What is the point?
I left the coffee shop shortly after without an answer.
Damnit, Dave.
Why did you have to ask me this?
Ugh.
I figured I would ruminate on this question for a few days, schedule some time and come up with an answer.
Easy, right?
Wrong.
I boarded a plane to Malaysia shortly after with this question on my mind like a song stuck in my head. I couldn’t shake stop it from consuming my every waking thought.
What is the point of all this and what do I want to come out of it?
I’d love to say that I woke up one morning and had a eureka moment but sadly I didn’t. I felt stuck and restrained… like a rocket-fueled up and the countdown hit zero but I was sitting on the launchpad without a destination.
While I was exploring or working, the question would subside but in moments of silence, it would come crawling back into my conscience. I went from place to place feeling like an anchored version of myself and I knew I couldn’t continue this way. So I began to do something about it. I threw myself into the world.
Outside of my comfort zone, I went.
I kayaked in the ocean alone, participated in a Muay Thai kickboxing camp and cooked for friends who made me laugh so hard I had tears running down my face. I learned to drive a motorbike, and I traveled with fascinating strangers for weeks at a time to some of the most beautiful places in the world.
There is a whole lot more as well as conversations with more wonderful humans than I can count.
During this time a crazy thing happened.
The answer to this question didn’t come to me while I was pining over it while scribbling in my journal or laying awake at night.
I had it the whole time.
Participating in the world gave me the clarity I needed to answer this question. And, ironically, not just the answer to this question but to many.
There is a song that I heard a while ago that I was introduced to by my German friends, Clara and Paulina. “I Don’t Know My Name” by Grace Vanderwahl.
I felt like the lyrics hit home on how I’ve felt at different points in life when I didn’t quite fit into the mold I was supposed to. I thought I should do other things because the direction I wanted my life to go was unrealistic or I couldn’t make a living doing what I really wanted to do.
As the song reaches the final verse and Grace sings, “I now know my name!” I feel my life has taken a very similar path in the past 8 or 9 months as I have found the answer to this godforsaken question.
Dave,
I am proud to answer your question, my friend. It appears to be crystal clear to me now, though I’m sure you will have some questions to bring more angst and thus more clarity. Secretly, I hope you do.
I am a storyteller.
It brings me a lot of excitement and anxiety writing that.
I want to share my experiences, tell stories from around the globe and encourage us (including myself) to participate in the world. To explore the world and, in turn, explore ourselves. To give back with our time, open our hearts and open our homes to helping those whose life has dealt a bad hand… to contribute to the world in our own way and to not let our fears get in the way of doing the right thing.
I have a few things in progress that I’m testing out and a little book about Expiration Dates that is in progress. That might sound a little familiar.
All of this to say thank you.
Thank you for asking me a difficult question and for me to discover the answer on my own, although I have a feeling you already knew it.
Thank you for the impact that you’ve had on myself and the other’s you’ve asked similar questions. You don’t know how impactful, though frustrating, those questions are.
For those of you who have made it this far, what is your answer?
What is the last page of this chapter of your story?
Good luck!
Until next time,
Trevor Carlson
“Real travel requires a maximum of unscheduled wandering, for there is no other way of discovering surprises and marvels, which, as I see it, is the only good reason for not staying at home.”
— Alan Watts
Check out the Formula Podcast with Trevor Carlson to hear the breakdown of my experiments, experiences, and conversations on designing a fulfilling life on Stitcher, Spotify, or iTunes.
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