Is This a We or a Me Problem?
A few lessons on problem-solving.
Six years ago I was in the middle of venting to my friend, Trace, about a situation where I had upset someone with something I said. I had made a joke in a public setting that got under someone’s skin unintentionally. Once I realized my mistake, I pulled that person aside to apologize for my misstep.
They did not accept it.
From that moment forward they didn’t have a whole lot of kind things to say about my character.
I was a bit shocked.
I had apologized sincerely and I felt bad, why was this happening?
Didn’t I do the right thing by trying to “fix” the situation?
“Can you believe this person is acting this way?” I said to Trace. He sat there silently on the other side of the phone while he gathered his answer.
“Trevor, is this a we or a me problem?” he asked.
“Shit,” I thought. I knew what he was getting at before he continued.
“A we problem is one where you and the other person can work together to solve the problem. There are still things that need to be done by your and the other person to fix the problem. A me problem is up to you to fix the problem or to stop trying to control the results if you have done everything you can. Which one is it?”
I knew the answer.
I had done everything I could after I had made the misstep to correct the situation and the person’s reaction was completely out of my control at that point. I needed to let it go because I couldn’t change it anymore. I could learn from my previous mistake and be a bit more empathetic using my sense of humor in the future but as far as the rest of it goes there was nothing I could do.
This conversation changed my thinking about problem-solving. Did I do everything within my control to fix the problem?
If the answer is yes, then it becomes a question of our desire to control and be attached to the result we desired, even though we didn’t get it. These types of situations come up over and over again. After I’ve answered this question I move onto this:
What were my mistakes and what did I learn from them?
I take a lot of time to think through why I acted the way I did, why it was incorrect at that moment, and how I can learn from it in the future. This thinking has changed a lot for me as I try to stay focused on the only thing I have control over, my actions and responses.
There are situations where the only thing we can do is just let it go. Sometimes that is the healthiest thing we can do.
Did someone honk at us in traffic?
Can’t control that but maybe next time we can avoid cutting them off next time.
Didn’t get a client signed?
Look at how we approached the situation and figure out what we can do better next time.
Didn’t hit my exercise goal? (Happens to me all the time.)
Look at the process we approached the workout with and focus on improving that instead of the result.
Lost our luggage at the airport? (Crossing my fingers this doesn’t happen again.)
Make sure we have insurance next time and do everything we can not to lose our bags instead of being upset about losing our bags (even though it REAAALLLY sucks.)
Adjusting our focus to the things we can control allows us to take an entirely different approach and directs our energy towards what will have the largest impact on our lives.
The next time we have a confrontation or a difficult scenario come up what would be different if we asked ourselves, is this a me or we problem?
Until next time,
Trevor Carlson
“Real travel requires a maximum of unscheduled wandering, for there is no other way of discovering surprises and marvels, which, as I see it, is the only good reason for not staying at home.”
— Alan Watts
Check out the Formula Podcast with Trevor Carlson to hear the breakdown of my experiments, experiences, and conversations on designing a fulfilling life on Stitcher, Spotify, or iTunes.
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