Are You Lonely?
My answer to a frequently asked question about traveling alone.
One of the questions I’m asked quite often is, “Isn’t it lonely traveling by yourself?”
“Don’t you want company or someone with you?”
There really isn’t an easy answer to this question.
My gut reaction is no it isn’t but in reality, it is a bit more complicated than that. Laying awake at night there have been a few times where I felt very lonely with this strange emptiness feeling in my chest.
I waited for most of my life to travel as I thought I needed someone to go with me. Some sort of companion, a significant other or friend to share the moments with. As time ticked by I realized that the moment may never come. So I set sail (metaphorically) on this journey I am on now. I put everything on hold I was told that was supposed to be important and anything resembling a normal career to the side to spend most of the year traveling alone.
One thing that I didn’t expect was that the hardest parts of the past year were the most important. The nights lying awake in bed feeling as the room I was in had been cut off from the rest of everything I was familiar with and no way to reach the outside world. And other occasions when even though I was surrounded by people I occasionally felt like a shade of a person that couldn’t interact with the surrounding society. I could observe but I couldn’t participate.
These moments when I felt like this were rare. But they were always followed by a period of reflection, learning, and growth. They gave me space to learn to be alone and every single time I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t the loneliness that was eating at me.
It was always something else.
It could’ve been the lack of forgiveness I had been withholding, the forgiveness I needed to grant others, the letting go of the value I placed on the “others” opinions of myself, and accepting that what I want, though different, is totally cool.
Every round I went with loneliness was really a round against myself. It is definitely something we should fear. To hold up a mirror to ourselves and our decisions then ask ourself;
Am I truly proud of my choices?
Why am I doing this?
What is the point?
These questions are not easy to answer and it is much easier if they are avoided. I have avoided them most of my life, unknowingly, until I found myself countries away from any soul that I knew and all of my normal distractions weren’t within arms reach.
These questions sprouted as quickly as a sapling in early spring the moment I gave them space to take root. And maybe that is the thing we fear more, not being alone somewhere but being alone with ourselves. To face who we are and the results of our lifetime of choices.
It is not a fun thing to do but it is necessary. We cannot control many things in life but as Viktor Frankl states in Man’s Search for Meaning,
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
We can decide to be alone for a while and learn to love, forgive, or understand ourselves at any point in time. It is a lot easier to turn on Netflix, have another drink, or distract ourselves in any number of ways. I don’t always like the answers to these questions, especially when I first was faced with them. Some of the answers were not easy to accept such as doing things to fulfill others expectations, chasing wealth to value myself in my own eyes, resentment I held towards other people who had acted in a way that I didn’t like myself for also doing, failing in endeavors over and over again, or moments where I didn’t show enough gratitude to my friends or family.
The list goes on and on.
But a funny thing happens when we take this time with ourselves.
We accept it and we move on.
We let it go and commit to how things will be different in the future.
Loneliness is scary and difficult but by learning to be alone we find the solutions to the challenges we don’t even realize we are facing.
Until next time,
Trevor Carlson
“Real travel requires a maximum of unscheduled wandering, for there is no other way of discovering surprises and marvels, which, as I see it, is the only good reason for not staying at home.”
— Alan Watts
Check out the Formula Podcast with Trevor Carlson to hear the breakdown of my experiments, experiences, and conversations on designing a fulfilling life on Stitcher, Spotify, or iTunes.
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